Discursive Thoughts in an Emergency

In the late summer of 2012 I decided not to return to complete my MS course of study in grad school. In part I was motivated by running out of funding, but I had been unhappy there from the start. It was a good change. Still, it was a traumatic decision to make. I wish things had turned out differently. Here's part of my thinking leading up to the decision:

I don’t think there’s any money for grad school. You thought there would be money and there isn’t. Boeing wants to hire you. They’ll be flexible and move the date up if you ask.

You need to stop being so damned anxious. Please stop this now. Relax. You’re anxious and you’re sad and you’re nervous and you’re angry. You don’t want to feel aphasia, and you don’t right now, which is good.

Fellowships take time to apply for. You need to register, fill out the applications, submit them, and wait on selection. The tuition bill will be due in a matter of weeks, there’s no time for this. Had you known to apply earlier, you would’ve. You were told not to .

You could jump ship again and go to a new prof like Dr. K. That sounds awful. Who knows what you’d be doing? You know nothing about what the new prof will be like to work for. There’s no guarantee they’ll fund you, anyway.

Working at Boeing early means you’ll start around January. You become eligible for grad school funding from Boeing in time for fall quarter. You’re not quite halfway to a non-thesis masters. You don’t want to throw good time after bad. Maybe it’s time to write off 2011 as a terrible year.

You like working at Boeing. That’s true. It’s fulfilling, interesting work with a good set of co-workers. You like Seattle, too. Remember that you’re working on a finite schedule. Time runs out certainly by 2089 but possibly as soon as 2013. You are solely responsible for doing the right thing between now and then, whenever “then” is.

You’re nervous because you’re seriously contemplating doing something that flies in the face of everything you planned to do. And why not? Losing funding was a black swan event; it merits an extreme response. You’re mad that you weren’t a better judge of circumstances. Consider this an opportunity to refine your circumstance and character judgment systems. It’s a painful learning experience, the second-most effective way to learn, after knowing already.

Do you look down on people who haven’t been relentless about pursuing education? Really think about this. The answer is “no.” You still like them, you still admire them, their choices maybe just confuse you. Why are you such a harsher judge on yourself, then? This needs to stop. Now.

The PhD mania needs to stop. Your exposure to PhD-level research so far indicates that it is, without exception, a dull misuse of time. You should consider yourself fortunate for identifying this now. Why do you want to be called “Dr. Atkinson?” You have no requirement for vanity.

Moving to Seattle should be no more daunting than moving to College Station was. It’ll be a pain, but you’ll do it, and you’ll be happy to be there. This cannot be a deterrent to Boeing.

When you don’t talk to people, your mind becomes an emotional echo chamber. There is sufficient self-skepticism in you that you need to recharge in confidence from other people on a regular basis. Use built-in holds to guarantee this; you tend not to interact enough without prompting. Surround yourself with people who reinforce you in a positive way. This is not difficult, just make sure it happens.

You should be able to finish your degree in about 1.5 years. Conservatively, let’s say 2015. That’s not really so bad. Failure to complete more degrees due to family is a nonissue, since you want family more than you want degrees anyway. Also that’s not how things work. False dichotomies and such.

I’m beginning to think that my whole decision-making mechanism is broken. It’s literally not doing anything right now. I keep thinking about this issue; isn’t a decision just supposed to fall out? This isn’t happening because this isn’t a deterministic process. You need to just decide, it can’t be broken down any further. Don’t you feel a tug?

The answer, of course, is “yes.” The tug is north by northwest, toward Boeing, toward Seattle, toward Capitol Hill. Everything, almost everything, that way feels like light and sweetness and awe, and it’s all fog and drudgery and anxiety to the east, toward Texas. I feel so alive in Seattle, and so pathetic in College Station. The immediate truth is that I’d rather wake up tomorrow and go to work at Boeing than wake up in College Station and do another day of grad school.